Reality
by kurtthereisamoment
Summary: Kurt hates those romantic movies and books. He hates that it never works out like that. Blaine won't ever love him. He wanted Blaine and he got cancer. That's just the way the world works. Warning for implied Character Death. NOW COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**I found this on my laptop that I wrote when I was 'in a bad place' which you can probably tell. I wrote this because it annoyed me how lots of fanfics out here (don't get me wrong, I do love them, it just irritates me a bit) have a fairy tale ending, or fairy tale middle (like Kurt having a problem and then getting with Blaine). **

**I decided to write a little reality.**

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><p>Kurt cries every time. He can't help it.<p>

He's slumped over a toilet, tears dripping down his nose and into the bowl as he gags. He should go back to class. Go back to pretending that he's alright, that he's not dying.

He's told Blaine, of course he has. He told him back when he was diagnosed, he told him when he started taking the radiotherapy in tablet form, he told him that he has medication that controls the side effects. He told Blaine the text book version of what he's going through.

Blaine doesn't know that Kurt cries himself to sleep after coughing up what little of his dinner he was able to eat. Blaine doesn't know that Kurt wakes up several times a night, only to collapse on the bathroom floor a few minutes later because he's just too tired to get back to his room after being sick again. Blaine doesn't know that Kurt's hair is thinning out and he has to style his hair oh so carefully in the mornings to hide the patchy areas, even though he feels so nauseous to stand for too long. Blaine doesn't know that the medication he's on to 'control' his side effects have a minimal effect on him, apart from making him sad and angry and not him.

Blaine doesn't know how terrified Kurt is. He's not terrified of dying, though. He's terrified of dying unloved and alone, just like he is now.

Would anyone mourn for him? Would anyone cry? Would Blaine?

Kurt stands shakily and flushes the toilet with a grimace. He leans heavily against the cubicle, trying to calm himself. Then he opens the door and rummages in his bag whilst walking over to the mirror mounted on the wall. Luckily, he had Glee when he began to feel ill; they wouldn't notice that he was missing. He doesn't know why he still attends Glee Club; he doesn't feel like performing anymore- he's already acting so much, pretending that he's coping. It's probable that he only goes to spend more time with Blaine- whilst he still can.

He digs out his toothbrush, toothpaste and mouth wash. Six months ago, Kurt would have found what he was doing right now disgusting- who cleans their teeth in a public bathroom?- but now, it's something he has to do. Better that than puke-breath.

Once he's cleaned his teeth and fixed his hair he wipes away stray tears and turns away from the mirror before he has the chance to see just how bad his skin has become.

Kurt strides into the choir room, smiling broadly, head held high. Blaine grins at him and his heart flip flops pathetically. Fucking Blaine and his smile. Kurt doesn't like to admit it, but he knows Blaine's the only reason he's fighting. It should be for his friends, or his dad, he knows it should, but he belongs to Blaine, well, what's left of him. The problem? Blaine doesn't want him.

Kurt had told him that he liked him, what seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was- Kurt feels like he's dead now. He kept the fact that he was head over heels in love with Blaine no secret- he had gone as far to hope that Blaine had feelings for Kurt but was too scared to go for it. He had convinced himself that if Blaine knew, they would get together.

He was sorely mistaken. Blaine had smiled at him but shrugged off his feelings. Kurt had thought that it would be awkward between them, but he was wrong again. They just went back to how they were before; were just friends. Kurt hated it. He wanted Blaine. Especially now. He wants Blaine to hold him, tell him that everything would be fine, that Kurt's still beautiful, that he loves him.

Instead, Kurt has to go alone. Just like ever since he can remember.

Kurt sits next to Blaine, where the only spare seat is. Blaine smiles at him and Kurt smiles back. Blaine makes him forget that he's ill. Well, he doesn't, of course he doesn't. But he makes it better. Kurt isn't crippled by tiredness, or nausea, or sadness. It's still there, but it's manageable. When Blaine pulls a face, or tells a stupid joke, he doesn't have to fake a reaction like he does with Rachel and Mercedes and Finn. It comes naturally.

Please, Blaine, just love me. Please. I already love you. Just love me back.

Kurt hates those romantic movies and books. He hates that it never works out like that. Blaine won't ever love him. He wanted Blaine and he got cancer. That's just the way the world works.

Fucking Blaine.

Fucking cancer.

Kurt and Blaine talk about their English essay that's due. It should be a small, insignificant conversation but Kurt knows that he's going to be remembering this every time he's crouched next to that damn toilet for the next week. Replaying their conversations makes things easier for Kurt. Reminds him to keep fighting. Reminds him to keep living.

Kurt is so fed up and so tired. He's seen those 'It Gets Better' videos- they kept him going when he was bullied relentlessly. They said that things would change and he'd be around to see it. He knows he won't. Blaine will. Beautiful, handsome, kind and caring Blaine. He'll find someone, fall in love, settle down. Perhaps he'll get married and adopt. He'll forget about Kurt.

One of the things that Kurt hates though, is how naive he was when he was first diagnosed. He thought that Blaine would realize that they had limited time to be together and then kiss him, profess his love, comfort him through the treatment, holding his hand, kissing away tears and then rejoice was Kurt was cured, happy that the love of his life would grow old with him.

In reality, Blaine said he didn't know what to say, hugged him and said that he hopes he gets better soon. In reality, Kurt is alone and isn't getting any better. In reality, Blaine will choose someone else. Someone better.

Kurt was disappointed, to say the least.

Now, he just wants a proper kiss, before he dies. That's not too much to ask, is it? Kurt's sure Blaine can put up with one kiss. At least he's alive and well.

"Kurt, are you alright?" Kurt tries not to get too hopeful at the concerned tone to Blaine's voice.

No. "Yeah."

"How are you doing with…" Blaine stops, and when he resumes speaking his voice is barely a whisper, "The Thing?""

Terribly. Worse than I could have imagined. I could be dead within a couple of weeks. "Fine. Better than I thought. I could be cured within a few more weeks since it was caught so early."

"That's good then."

Kurt thinks that yes, it could be good. He's had enough of this torture. Maybe dying alone is better than living like this alone.

Kurt just hopes Blaine will come to his funeral.


	2. Chapter 2

__**I _finally _got around to finishing this off. It's in a much different style to that of what I normally write, but I got the idea and I quite liked it.**

_Dear Mercedes, _

_Thank you for being my friend when I had no one else. You're the most fabulous person I know. I'm trusting you to look after all my scarves._

_Love, Kurt_

_Dear Rachel,_

_No one deserves the spotlight more than you. We've only really started to get along recently, but I've always admired your talent and confidence. I hope Broadway treats you well._

_Love, Kurt_

_Dear Mr Schue,_

_While I believe that your taste in music is both bland and predictable, I'm glad you were my teacher. Thank you for everything._

_Kurt_

_Dear Noah,_

_Thanks for looking out for me. You may be a badass, but you're the sweetest guy I know._

_Kurt_

_Dear Finn,_

_I know I shout at you when you act like a slob, or when you play video games all night so I can't watch Project Runway, but you're a really cool brother. Thank you._

_Love, Kurt_

_Dear Carole,_

_Thank you for making dad happy. He needed someone as compassionate as you._

_I think I did too. Thank you for everything._

_Love, Kurt_

_Dear Sam, _

_Thank you for treating me like a real person when we first met._

_I never did get that chance to sing with you._

_Kurt_

_Dear dad,_

_I'm so sorry. I love you. Thank you for being the best dad I could have asked for. _

_I'm sorry, but it's so hard._

_We all know I'm dying anyway. I'm just speeding up the process a little._

_Love, Kurt_

_P.S. Remember Glenn Miller's 'Moonlight Serenade'. And no black. Navy is so much more stylish. _

_Dear Blaine,_

_I love you._

_I know you don't like me in that way, but I really do love you. _

_Maybe in a different reality we are together and happy. I like to think that I'm not dying fro_

_I don't have to worry about what you think of me now, so I don't mind telling you this. I never had the courage to do so to your face._

_You're the most beautiful, breathtakingly gorgeous man that I have ever seen, with the most amazing personality and you are everything that I am attracted to and more._

_And I know it's silly, but whenever I hear a song about love, it always seems to apply to the way I feel about you._

_I wish we could have performed just one of those countless songs together. _

_Our voices would sound wonderful together._

_Yours, Kurt_

_Dear Mom,_

_I hope I'll get to see you._

_Love forever, Kurtie_

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><p><em><strong>Dearest Kurt,<strong>_

_**I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.**_

_**I do. **_

_**I hoped I would say that to you at the altar, not in a note that can be buried along with you.**_

_**I suppose, what I mean is 'I do, too'.**_

_**Love you, that is. So much that I don't think I can cope with it. You stole my heart from the beginning. I wish you could have kept it, so I don't have to feel it beating so brokenly. **_

_**I was just scared and I couldn't. I wish I had told you, now. It will always be my biggest regret.**_

_**I got to see your body. Your father let me. You looked so delicate and soft and it was just like you were sleeping. They left me alone with you, just for a minute.**_

_**Have you ever had so much to say that you couldn't say it? **_

_**So I kissed you. I hope you don't mind.**_

_**I'd have liked our first kiss to have been more romantic, at a picnic, or in the rain, or maybe after a show stopping duet between us. **_

_**That's not reality, though, is it?**_

_**Reality is never fair.**_

_**Love always, Blaine**_

_****_**A/N: Thank you for reading, please let me know what you thought!**


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